shattered

Mental Stability Sucks

2009-01-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

Well, I am in a depressive swing at the moment. Right now I would like to make it clear I do not suffer from clinical depression (or so the doctors said 4 months ago) therefore I am not on medicine and I believe it is more situational and weather related.

The only reason I feel as though I should try to vent about this is this is the first time the depression swing has affected me everywhere. Usually I can control it until I get home from work or away from friends. Well, it is not going away this time.

What is extremely upsetting is I am use to work in residential mental treatment homes or a mental hospital, where it was welcomed to open up and share how you are feeling. I am now a teacher and this is just not an acceptable thing to do to your students in the school setting. I am not mad, it is my own standard that I shouldnt do it, but I think that is whats making it worse..

Even with some sun out today, it was horrible. I can not imagine what is contributing to my sadness. Why am I sad?

I enjoy the students I am around most of my time, I just got married to someone I have been utterly in love with for 3 years, I believe I am successful at my job, and I still have time to play WOW and watch Seinfeld... what the hell is my problem....

Silly Child, Marriage is for Grown Ups

2008-12-23T19:21:00.000-08:00

I got married at 10am this morning.

I eloped in the 21st century of over expensive dresses and the "look at me look at me" attitude.

I could write more.

But for now I wont.

Physical Illness Always Makes Mental Health SO Much Better rolls eyes

2008-12-12T19:58:00.001-08:00

Well, I must say I have had a very eventful week.

I went into my fairly new job Monday morning as usual, no big deal. Things were going well, I was enjoying myself. Around 830am I started to get a pain in my side that I ignored. I have a history of acid reflux and assumed I drank too much coffee this morning and figured thats what was causing the pain.

My co-worker around 9 began to threaten to call an ambulance and make a scene because he was convinced it was something serious (to which now I am grateful he made me go) So I finally gave in and made a call to be brought to the ER and skip the embarrassing scene.

I arrived at the ER around 1030 and was immediately given IVs and had over 5 blood tests ran. I laid in agonizing pain for over an hour until someone came back and said it looked like I had an infection in my gallbladder. I will skip the boring medical details and just say I do have a gallbladder infection, it kept me out of work all week, and I may possibly have a gallstone.

None of this helps my mental health. I have laid in a bed all week with very little movement or food. I havent been able to do errands, clean, work out, nothing. I also adore my job and what it brings and I have been missing that.

I need to keep busy. It is what keeps me stable. It is an annoying trait to always have to be busy to be happy, but it is what works.

Now that I have been laying in bed, being able to do nothing for myself (I like to be independent, strong, not be served on) it is pushing me back into my quasi depression. Because here's the cute thing with my mental health. I have situational depression, meaning I do not have a chemical imbalance of any sorts (which means no medication, which is okay by me I suppose) so me not moving at all sends me into.

Which also makes me very unpleasant. I get very angry when I am sad, I wish I could explain why. Thats why my other half is a saint. He gets it and does not get angry at me for lashing out for no reason. I do not deal well with showing my sadness. I think covering it up with anger is an easier thing to deal with.

Needless to say, I have not been a nice girl this week. I am also bummed out because I planned on going back into work today and it was a snow day. Normally, I would love this fact, but I did not like it at 530 this morning when I found out.

Unless I am bleeding out of awkward orifices, I will not be missing work or errands this upcoming week. I may not be at my best, but I refuse to be dormant. Even if it ends up making me physically worse...

My sanity pretty much depends on it. I can not afford to slip back in my depression. Then it will trigger my very present anxiety disorder, which I do refuse to take the medication for unless I am breaking out into hives. I have not taken an anti-anxiety drug since May and I am proud of that. I do not want to be dependant on drugs to feel good. I always felt like it would make me robot.

Anxiety is not fun, but I also have not had an unmanageable panic attack since I was graduating college. I found ways of dealing with it since then. Such as the keeping busy thing, plus Wii fit is my friend when I am too agoraphobia to go to the gym.

I am looking at another sleepless night. I am off to mess with my iphone or find something else to blog about.

A Re-Start Is In Order

2008-12-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

I have no blogged in a LONG time.

As I re-read and then deleted my old posts, I have decided I want to try and blog once again since I am in a different place in my life now and think I would like to reflect on things and pretend people care about my opinion on these random things.

We will see how long this lasts.

shattered

Mental Stability Sucks

Silly Child, Marriage is for Grown Ups

Physical Illness Always Makes Mental Health SO Much Better *rolls eyes*

A Re-Start Is In Order

Physical Illness Always Makes Mental Health SO Much Better rolls eyes